Thursday Thoughts: Anxiety and Me

Yes I am alive! I haven't forgotten about this little blog. If you follow me on twitter (if you don't you should because I'm pretty fab) then you might have seen that I have been super busy. I have been away in Ireland, my laptop charger broke-so no laptop for me until I get a new charger- I have been busy with essays, got a new job and feeling pretty overwhelmed. To be honest, I am now feeling like I have taken on a little bit too much. I just want to do it all!

Everything that is thrown at me I'm like, Yeah! come at me! I can handle it,I can handle taking on a new job, uni, a new journalism project, blogging events, blog posts, uni essays, exams, a brand new course module, saving money, planning a holiday and did someone say breathe? Hmm...don't think I can fit that one in.

At the time, I think I can do everything. But when it comes to it, I actually forget that I am just one person and I need to priorities. With all this going on, and the scary feeling that I might not be able to handle it, my anxiety starts to play up. I wouldn't say my anxiety is severe, it's not social anxiety and I don't get the hyperventilating panic attacks but I just stop being me. But everyone gets nerves! I wouldn't say it's bad enough to go on medication but when it gets bad...I just sort of stop. I stop being that person I've worked so hard to be and to be happy with. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it apart from wait for it to pass.
There are things that help like music, meditation and sometimes I just try and power through and force myself into social situations but sometimes, like recently, I just can't.

So what is it that I'm feeling?

Well for me, it's like my heart has either stopped or is racing 200mph and I can't quite figure out. My stomach gets into this big knot, like that tense feeling you get in between a sit up-you know when it really kills? Suddenly breathing becomes a bit more difficult, short and shallow breathes are taken as I clench my fists and jaw and panic in case anyone is noticing me, probably looking a little bit mad.

 As for my brain? It feels like someone is squeezing it really tight, even that tenses up. And my thoughts-that I have so many of-disappear. I forget everything. I forget how to breathe properly, how to hold a conversation, something that I usually pride myself for, I forget how to relax and that there is probably no reason for me to be feeling like this. Unfortunately, even if there is no logical reason, I still can't help it.

The thing is, it is not a part of me. It is not part of my personality. I am not an anxious person. I just get anxious.

It could be when my scheduled plan changes, when I need to make a decision, if I don't know anyone and everyone else seems to have their group of friends-probably reminds me of those school days- and it could be when I'm completely alone. Sometimes I just wake up and feel nervy.

Defo not as cool as Bey

 That is the worst. Because that's when I'm in what I call the 'Danger Zone'. When I wake up feeling nervous, I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. I don't even go and get a coffee! I can't even bare walking to the kitchen. I can just about get out of bed for my laptop to watch Tangled. That's when a scary cycle can start. So now I really force myself to get out of bed and do something!

And How do I fix it?

Well maybe not a long term thing and sometimes it doesn't work, but I take deep breathes. I listen to music, go for a walk, meditate and like I said, force myself into social situations. It can be a bit rocky when I do meet up with people or go to an event, to start with, but I know I'd kick myself if didn't.
Just like last night. I went to a society meeting, suddenly I felt really out of place, I could barely speak to anyone. We all went to the union after and I forced myself to, I spoke to about 4 folk. Then I was just like...nope. I couldn't handle it. I just forgot how to start a conversation! So I left early to work more on an essay. That anxiety in annoying and inconvenient. I could have got to know a few more people in the society. But naah, my brain just wanted to fuck off.



But I need this needs to stop. I keep telling myself to get a grip and embrace what there is to come. I've been busy and I'm going to get busier. I am taking deep breathe. Busy is good. It's all a step forward and the more I fight it, the more anxious I'll be.

Sometimes I think, if more people understood, and was open about it in public-not just on the internet- maybe I wouldn't feel so bad? It's more the, "what if people notice?" thing because my confidence is something that I have worked so hard on and have expressed it strongly. So why should I be in the corner curling up refusing to look at anyone?

That's not me. I don't recognise her anymore. Yet, here I am.

Maybe it's something that still needs a little bit of work. Maybe it will be okay.



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