It's been a while, I know.
But I wont apologise because I never made any promises in the first place. Instead I am here to express those feelings of "set backs". We all have them, right?
They can come in many forms. It can be a break up, a rejection, an illness and sometimes mental health. Mine came when I was busy. I didn't think I even had time for set backs- they were not scheduled in! I kept saying for weeks, how excited and busy I was "but the good kind of busy". Until the other night when a wave of stress and anxiety flooded over me, I found myself procrastinating, I couldn't find the words I needed and closed all documents to look at those typical instagram fashion bloggers. Why? Because they make me feel bad about the way I look and what a wonderful way to punish yourself for not keeping to your schedule...
Quickly words started seeping into my brain. Not the ones I needed to complete my documentary proposal but ones that are enough to send me into an anxiety attack and a hole of self loathing. Ah I knew this feeling well. It had been a while.
How are you?- he asked.
Fine- I lied.
Hours I searched online looking for some form of support network. Not friends because..well I feel like I have failed. Like I have let people down. I am an adult. I have recovered. I have had busier and more stressful times than this. Yet, I had no luck. There really wasn't anywhere I felt that I could turn to. So I started to think...
What can I do?
And these thoughts haven't truly left me yet. It has been a few days and I have come down with a cold. I think they call it "run down". I know I should eat well, exercise to maintain a healthy mental health but I don't want to feel guilty if I don't. I was doing well with that until recently but my concern is of self acceptance and self love-or at least like it enough to treat it with kindness no matter what shape or size.
It is the mentality that surrounds self love that I want to focus on. And this is where to beauty of set backs come in. It pushed me forward. It wakes me up to realise I have to change something.
Like an arrow is pulled back to go forward; watch me march through the fog, the crackling white noise in my mind and watch me fight for a settled brain once more.
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